Self-esteem can be defined as confidence in one's worth or abilities. It refers to how we value and perceive ourselves. Your thoughts and experiences influence self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem motivates you to reach your goals and do better as an individual. Low self-esteem, on the other hand, prevents you from reaching your true potential. It would be best if you had the proper perspective about yourself because it determines how your life will turn out.

I have interacted with kids enough to know they take their parents' words seriously. Comments made in passing may stick with them for a lifetime. Many of us remember words that were said to us while growing up, whether positive or negative, and those words spoken have in no small way shaped the people we have become today.

Some time ago, I conversed with a friend who told me some hurtful things her mother had said to her while growing up. Her mother always compared her to her younger sibling  by making comments like “Why can’t you be as smart as your younger sister?”  “Must I teach you everything?” “ Don’t you see how your younger brother uses his intuition?” “When will you be as excellent at academics as your sister?” She began crying as she recalled some of the hurtful statements her mother had said to her while growing up. Her mother didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. She intended to motivate her to improve but did it wrong. My friend began to feel worthless and unappreciated. Surprisingly, after a long time, the memory of what her mother had said to her while she was a child still broke her. 

Often, parents overlook the effect comparison can have on a child's mental state. They may compare kids innocently, but the results are more far-reaching than expected. Comparisons are likely made between children to correct or create a competitive spirit, but the children may develop low self-esteem in the long run.

Most times, because of frustration, parents may sometimes speak before thinking. The basis for comparison could indeed be love, and the intention was not to break the child, but children do not understand the intentions; all they hear is that they are not appreciated for the small things they do, which deserve praise. They feel judged and unaccepted by their parents. We should understand that nobody is perfect and also no two kids are the same.

Constantly comparing your child to other children harms how they see themselves. Children always want to please their parents. They seek validation from their parents first before any other person. A child's parents shape the child and give the child an identity. If you understand this, you must be careful how you speak to your children. They believe whatever you tell them because they trust your judgment. It is widely known that comparing children tends to increase their anxiety levels.  They begin to feel useless and incapable of doing anything right. They may start to think that nothing they do is good enough and stop trying. They may become withdrawn and develop hostile attitudes towards other children they are constantly compared to.  It can also make them resent you. In the long run, resentment towards you will destroy their relationship with you.

When a child develops poor self-esteem due to constant comparison, that kind can never reach its true potential.

HOW CAN YOU STOP THE HABIT OF COMPARISON?

Be careful what you say to your child: 

Parents should be careful with the way they speak to their children. Before you talk, you should pause and consider what you will say to your children. Put yourself in their shoes. If someone speaks to you that way, would you like it? By putting yourself in their shoes, you can understand the situation better and how to react so that their self-esteem remains intact. I know it can be frustrating sometimes when you are trying to correct a child. We often take the easier route: point to a kid who is doing better and say words like, “Why can’t you be as well-behaved as Catherine?” Or “Don’t you see how neat Kelvin is? Why can’t you be like him?” These statements can negatively affect a child’s self-esteem, as harmless as they seem. Instead of comparing your child to another child when correcting him, you should note the habit you want to fix and find out why your child keeps behaving that way. Maybe he doesn’t have the natural ability to perform the task like the other child. Perhaps he lacks the skill. This helps you observe your child and enables you to provide measures with which the child can work, leading to improvement. The child understands you when you use this method, and the message that you want him to improve and be the best version of himself is passed accurately.

Discover the natural strengths and abilities of your children and celebrate them: 

Your children will appreciate it if you pay close attention to their natural abilities instead of forcing them to take up roles that aren’t suited for them. Encourage them to improve their strengths and cheer them on when they make the smallest achievements. This will help boost their confidence. Teach your children to take pride in their efforts.  It’s alright for your children to have interests in different areas. Not all of them are best suited for sciences or arts. Your job as a parent is to guide them to make the best of their ability. You should avoid putting pressure on them because as they grow, society will mount pressure on them and would begin to compare their lives with the lives of other people. You have to build a solid foundation of self-confidence and healthy self-esteem. They must understand that they need only validation from themselves and no one else. Teach them to understand that comparison is pointless. They need to be authentic and not wish to be someone else. 

Talk to your child on areas you want to see improvements: 

Whatever area you want your child to improve on, you can always talk with him.  You can say, “ I discovered you struggle with getting your clothes arranged in your wardrobe. What can I do to help?” This approach makes the child feel safe with you. He begins to see that you are not only his parent but also his friend. He starts to trust you and becomes more open to you with whatever challenge he may be having. This deepens your bond. This is also a way to create problem-solving skills in your child. He begins to understand that no case is hopeless.

Track your child’s progress and celebrate it: 

Celebrate even the little, seemingly insignificant progress he makes. You don’t need to celebrate his progress in comparison to anyone’s progress. “I am proud that you can get more sums right than you did the last time.” This is more acceptable than saying, “I am proud that you were able to beat Yinka at getting all your sums right.” This statement defeats the purpose of building his self-esteem because you have continually made another child a standard he has to beat to prove his worth. You should make him understand that he doesn’t need to win a certain person to prove his worth. Make him know that he is enough and you love him unconditionally. 

CONCLUSION

Parents should put less pressure on their kids. Society at large mounts so much pressure on these kids that if care is not taken, it robs them of the joy of childhood. Parents should make it easier for kids to be themselves. Perfection in all ramifications is a myth. Nobody is perfect, and with this understanding, parents should relate with their kids, ensuring that they accept them just the way they are and do their best to encourage and support them in becoming the best version of themselves. Comparison has adverse effects on a child's self-esteem, and instead of comparing, parents should motivate kids. In the future, these kids will be grateful for the push you gave them to believe in themselves.